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Default 04-16-2010, 06:43 PM

First, I have systemic lupus with major organ involvement (heart, lungs, bone marrow, kidneys) so I can provide some information from that perspective. I also facilitate lupus support groups and other chronic illness groups.

You can't make her happy. Period. That has to come from inside and she probably doesn't have the resources to do that right now.

Think about how you feel when you have the flu and simply can't crawl out of bed. Now add pain in all your joints. Now add the fear that the lupus is busy destroying organs and that maybe you will be disabled and in a nursing home some day. Imagine that day after day after day. That's what it's like to be in a lupus flare and flares can last for months. You would be depressed and anxious, too.

Now, her self esteem has taken a major hit. She has lost dreams, hopes, identity, energy and health. She probably feels unattractive and undesirable. And she is probably too tired to have sex, but may do it because she is afraid of losing you. 75% of marriages where one partner has a chronic illness end in divorce. She has good reason to worry.

Then she sees that you are concerned and trying to "fix" her life by making her happy. So she also gets to feel like a failure because she can't get happy. Having lupus includes grieving. She is grieving for who she was, for her hopes and her dreams. If her best friend died, you would let her grieve and not try to make her happy until she finished. It is harder when you are grieving for yourself. Give her time.

She should talk with her doc about the depression and anxiety. I paper presented just this week at EULAR found that about 90% of people with lupus suffer from depression. She might benefit from medication so that she is in the frame of mind to work on the issues.

The two of you should see a marriage counselor together to learn good communication skills, particularly how to send "I" messages. This could be done in one or two sessions.

She might benefit from talk therapy. I strongly suggest using a mental health professional that is affiliated with an oncology (cancer) practice, not because lupus is related to cancer, but because the average counselor is not likely to understand the issues of living with chronic illness.

Read
The Lupus Book by Daniel Wallace MD
Sick and Tired of Feeling Sick and Tired
You Are Not Alone
   
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