My ex died and I'm a mess -
03-06-2013, 02:06 AM
Three weeks ago my ex-boyfriend died suddenly in a car crash. He was 22 years old. He was my first love in high school. For a year when we were young we were in love and we were best friends. The relationship ended because we were going in different directions with our lives. I was pursuing college and he was about to drop out of high school. It wasn't meant to be.
We broke up over four years ago. Since then, we have had serious long-term relationships with other people. However, I never stopped caring about him. We kept in touch as friends. I never loved anyone with the same kind of love I felt for him--not even my ex with whom I lived with and dated for three years. The entire time he was alive, I loved him very much, I just knew we weren't right for one another. We even told each other we still loved each other, but one of us was always dating someone else and knew that our loyalties lied elsewhere. So we just kept our distance, and kept in touch through IM every few weeks.
After the break-up, throughout life, I was always worrying about him. Worrying if he was doing drugs, selling drugs, if his depression and anger issues were in control, if he was completing his culinary degree, if he was staying out of harms way (he had been known for reckless behavior). He was reckless but had the kindest heart and his smile could light up a room. He never had a good family growing up--he was abused as a child, his dad was in jail, he was sent to live with his elderly grandmother who couldn't keep up with him. So I just always looked out for him. His friends were his family, and for a while when we were dating I was too.
Anyway, my point is. It's been 3 weeks since he died. The first week I was a mess. I cried every night. I can't understand why--I hadn't been an active part of his life from so long. I hadn't even talked to him for 3 months when he died. He was living with his new girlfriend, and from what I hear he was happy. I went to the funeral a week after he died and hugged and cried with friends who we were all close with in high school. It helped a lot, but I realized I was one of the most upset people there. I was one of the ones crying the most.
Part of me feels like I don't deserve to be as upset as I am. Part of me feels like I don't deserve to mourn him in the way I am. Why should I be so sad when we broke up so long ago? But my heart aches so much and I remember the love I felt for him like it was yesterday. Part of me feels like I am responsible for his death. If I had stayed in his life maybe he wouldn't have been going on that drug deal (where he was driving) the night he died. Maybe he wouldn't be such a reckless driver. But can I put that blame on myself? No. But I still do. It makes no sense.
Anyway I just can't understand why this is affecting me so much. I feel like I've suffered a great loss but no one around me understands how much he meant to me. I feel like I'm getting no support. I am still crying when I'm alone. Tonight I was sobbing and screaming at God saying, "It's not fair, he didn't know he was going to die. He didn't know." He was 22 years old and it isn't fair, he had no time to say good-bye.
I am thinking about going to a grief counselor. But what good will that do? What can a grief counselor tell me that I don't already know? Am I being over-dramatic? I don't know how to deal with these feelings, besides crying and writing about them.